I thought that I would right about the fight between the head and the heart. I have no idea what I have been through but I'm left with a lot of anger that I would have forbidden myself to even have a few years back. My head has been so evil and fearful that I am absolutely shattered from it. I don't know if that is normal to state that I have and I know the worse is behind me, so I hope I just hope that the mind will become more nicer to me.
I often hear you are killing yourself and things like that. I have no one to turn too. I feel that my mind is like out of order and I am unsure if it has even been me some times. I started with a best friend and I loved her so deep that I stupidly ignored myself like duh. Then I had to return home to the North of England and I stayed with my mother. The thing was I was open and felt safe to channel angels till I come home and now I have ended up alone, unsafe and blaming everyone because I beat my self up to a pulp so others did not feel like doing it for me. I have felt ignored and unloved and my head has not helped me by attracting the worse things to me. I know every one else forgives but I am having a hard time to do that to me. Coz things are not yet resolved enough for me to let it completely go.
I have been doing the Angel thing and I love them I really do, but being back home has murdered me. I am not allowed to even say how I feel because you have to gain responsibility for yourself innit.
So if I blame me then no one can say that I didn't cop any blame.
I feel so stupid and I feel like my family have stopped me from fully feeling psychically safe. I was safe until they started saying you should not be listening to them in your head. Who you are muttering too or it is not right for you to interact with Angels.
My mind has just heard enough of other people's criticism of me for xyz that it just thought right you must be a dark one then. This hurts my heart so much because I had a severe break down two years ago and I have had to rely on divine help and they have blessed me with so much that my mind cannot apprehend the things I have seen.
It is all gobbly gook this is because so much as happened to me, I am trying to suss out how to heal my mind.
I had a mind which was out of hand it just went the worse evil way possible and I could not change it. Then the worse happened and I started texting through the head to my apparent best friend and soul sister? I even doubt that she is but I feel she is. I told my mother that I thought my mind wasn't being normal and I backed off. Then I heard that she wanted to take a break from me and that was it, nothing more than that but I did get a birthday card. I know she is suffering the same but it 's okay for her to have every one rally around her and then for me to be in isolation with no support. My head keeps disbeliefing and I am now scared still of falling away. It's a church term but this is just mind boggling. It has left me with so much anger and hurt. I never knew how I could be this way.
So I don't know. I keep hearing "I am a demon " and the ego is now picking up on it and it is damaging my soul. That is why and I am scared still and I don't know who to turn to, what to belief and its making me close down. I know they can't come too close.
But when the friendships all broke down. There was one friend and I saw a huge dark entity by her side in my mind. She was not even aware of it, but the fear I felt the most horrid I ever felt. I felt the separation of my twin who is like a sister to me. She is still not talking to me and I am left reeling and feeling like shit.
It is okay for her to feel the way she is but I know I was struggling in my mind. I can't feel good about myself because of what I feel I have done. They are blaming me for her own depression. It stupid that I am blaming myself for this because of my head. I feel unworthy of love and I feel like I am going to lose my ascension.
I don't want to be negative and fearful in my head. But I have never had any one believe in me, love me and say any thing nice and that is why I feel my head is so bad.
I am always discounted by my family. I feel my self esteem is non existence and I am tired of fighting my ego and head.
It is all over the place this. I just want to feel I am happy, warm, loving person again. My head before was like why are you thinking so evil of me. I heard it say because of how much you are suffering I dont' want the angels to be near you. I was like holy shit.
The thing is ever since I started this ascension stuff, I feel I have gone to hell and back and I feel I have been misguided and left with no trust.
What do you think I have no idea.
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