GRRRRRRRRRR I feel I am going mad.

I guess I am wanting to have a period of time with my Angels to be free from fear. I think I had a heart attack and I wasn't even aware of it. That or I meditated and ascended that much that I had a spiritual experience which I had to come down from at some point. I should close down more I suppose but they have helped me out so much and I am scared of living alone because of my state of my head. I never know how to dream, or visualise for some reason it just don't do it. It goes numb and it just never shuts up. Now because I pushed everyone away, I was so scared of this demon thing that was around I closed them out too. Now I am being told you are too in the head. This is like I can't help being in my head. I know what you mean but  I am talking to try and get rid of the shit that was in it.
How do you trust again and open up? I gone to almost alone and I am hearing "it is your own fault for being alone" And I shout back saying no it ain't I have closed down to feel bloody safe.
But  I used to be so intuitive and I can't feel an impression now. Is this because I too fearful? I sigh coz I am like I would like to be used to love and feel precious and wanted. All I get though is you are resentful, angry and hurt.
Then see I shout back then because of frustrations and tell the voices whoever is saying it to f off. I don't aim it at angels, I just don't like the voices in my head telling me negative stuff.  So I react in defence.
Then it like you try to get out of your head and refocus it on something positive and then I get my mam going at me. Then my soul now keeps saying I am evil. Coz I coped the blame for my soul sister and boyfriend decision to cut me out of their life.
This goes like this, I was with my soul sister for ten years. Archangel Michael told us to write a story to help create our other half into being. I did her boyfriends character and she barely did mine. Cut the long story short. This soul sister is the one who I apparently caused her own depression. After all I feel I written something into being and I am still staying around for mine. I don't understand in my mind how a best friend can cut you out of your life and blame you for a depression. It is not bloody right. When you see so many things go wrong in your life and you end up wanting to end it. Why is it your bloody fault in the first place to have so much shit happen in your life. I want love and joy I boyfriend a home. what have I done to deserve this?
it all doesn't make sense to me.
Oh well.