Learning to be me

I am a person who has come through a lot of fear and negativity.
There it stands that my recent belief is that your life is down to decisions and beliefs. Without love it does nothing for you. If you implement love into your life more, then things move forward. Your mind allows you to create but what happens if your mind does not work properly because you have been recovering from depression or something horrid?
I am up one minute and down the next as I fight this thing called fear out of my head. The one thing I am struggling with is to get out of the head.
I am in a job which is all in the head and so when I finish the job, I am stunned because I am left feeling like well how do I hear my heart?
You can probably sense the all over the place when I write. That is why I said it is informal not something to check me on my drama or pick me for something I have said. It is exploratory.
I really want to tell you how I am on the inside but equally I am trying to say how I feel and write with love, expression and positivity.
I am keen to write a book but I would never know how to start writing a book.
How do I feel you ask?
Well I have felt stripped and cut off. I feel I have low self worth and I am need of some good loving, appreciated and that comes from starting off with me. My mind is telling me that if I do that, you will all feel I am up it and not genuine. Like I feel I am loyal, honest, down to earth, a forgiver. The other side of me seems that I am eccentric, someone who overwhelms people with my deepest thoughts and worries. On the other hand, I find myself highly intelligent and sensitive.
I feel like I know the universe secrets and they stay in the safest places of my heart.
If I said how I was being negative, I feel that no one would like to hear the stuff because it may be boring, or stupid or a waste of time. Angels and the law of attraction always tell me that fear attracts fear and so I have lately been too fearful. Well in my mind again.
your mind or well the ego is like a record player. What the outside world feeds you, it goes around in your head and its what society tells you which stops you from truly being. That is listening to the ego is toxic especially when you have been bullied or emotionally abused like myself.
Yes, I am unsure if I had but every time I was at counselling for my depression. The same subject came up. So you were emotionally abused. HUH!!! was I?
The emotions are all over the place. The angels teach me to always say yes yes yes to all the love in the world to come into me and my life. Yet, my family have always gone against me and said No no no. So you listen to your family and forfeit the truth. Now listening to too much negativity paves way to death. If you believe in feeling sorry for yourself and your suffering. If you don't allow the love to come into you. That makes you become further ill.
What? yeah well to me it did. I almost was too scared of love to allow in because my family does not believe in hugs, loving and appreciating each other. There hearts are closed. I mean they love through material possessions and food. The love I love is the fun, the warm hearts, the open minds, the hugs and the "that's nice" expressions. These are what the Angels have taught me, or so I thought. So I am puzzled by society and my family when they try to shut down these qualities.

I don't know what you are thinking about so far. I laugh I think of my god what am I doing.
I think in a nutshell. I am trying to be understood and for someone to share yes I know what you are feeling.
It is weird the Angels tell me I am suffering.. it goes in one ear and out of the other. I look around and think to myself "who me" like I am not meant to feel or have any one care for me.
I love my angels and wish to be more fear free from them.